It is almost two weeks since my little man went for holiday with his cousins and my mum. I miss him terribly. But he doesn’t. He will not even speak to me on the phone for a whole minute, a few seconds and he runs off to something more important than the person who bore him.
His absence had a startling revelation. I do not know what to do with my free time. I tried remembering what it was like pre Djasiri and what we did, came up empty. The house is so quiet. I get back from work and its me, a cup of tea and my thoughts, and my books, and TV series.
The silence gave me time to think about how when we become parents, everything else sort of stops. Which is OK, for sometime as you adjust to the new normal, but I strongly feel it is important to also remember that we are individuals first, before we are spouses, mothers, fathers, business owners, employers or employees. That part of us also needs to be taken care of.
See, I struggled with guilt, each time I took time for myself. There are those mums who I guess can do it all and still remain calm. Good for them. I was going crazy. So I read about it, and was pleasantly glad to learn I was not alone. My reasoning is simple really, I need to be OK to be able to take care of my son and everyone else around me. Our children are not stupid, they know when we are struggling taking care of them. I doubt they like it, nobody likes feeling like they are being a burden to someone else.
And, if you forget about yourself, don’t pursue your hobbies, make friends of your own, what do you do when they are grown and leave home? And most importantly, how do you teach them to balance family, life and work if not by example? It is Rumi that reminds us that life is a balance between holding on and letting go. Osho, “love your children, but never hope through them.” Have something of your own. And please note I don’t mean abandon your children and your responsibilities. No.
I have also realized changing my life, and therefore by extension everyone else around me is a task in itself. You will be judged, branded selfish, fall out with your family. Hi, my name is Victoria, and I am selfish. I take time to nap, read a book, hang out with the girls. It makes me a better parent. When I am with Djasiri, I am fully present, I am not resentful, I have a really good time doing things with him, not distracted, fatigued.
The silence has also given me time to go over the year and how it has been. A blessing, a lesson, a mind shift. Made friends, lost some. It’s also the year I stopped giving fucks, for lack of a better word. You cannot make sense of everything. You either listen to the noise or not. “Life is not logic, life is not philosophy. Life is a dance, a song, a celebration! It is more like love and less like logic – Osho.”
Towards the end of this year, I also published my first blog post. It was scary, would anyone even read, would they like it? Then this smart person said to me, you are writing for yourself, your experiences as they are, just being you, authentic. Anything else should not matter. I am so glad I listened and followed through. And the support and comments have been amazing. Thank you so very much to everyone who reads, comments, whats apps me, shares. Keep reading, hopefully you take something from this, as I do .
On the books and reading front, 2016 saw me became obsessed with Jalauddin Rumi, and Osho, and Khalil Gibran. I highly recommend them. Also Warsan Shire. Looks like it was a year of mystics and poetry for me. Take time if you can and read a few poems, quotes, books. Reading takes you places, you travel the world from the comfort of your seat, and for a fraction of the cost. Do it with your children and loved ones.
There is so much I have to say, Inshalla next year we will pick up from here and build up on various subjects raised, even just from this post. For now, happy holidays folks. Thank you for taking time to indulge in my musings. And please, don’t drink and drive. Have you seen that Budweiser ad by Dame Helen Mirren on drunk driving? For those who engage in this despicable habit, I strongly suggest you look it up. I concur, and quote, for those of you who are in the habit of drinking and driving, “if your brain was donated to science, science would return it. So stop it! Don’t be a pillock.”
Stay blessed and safe. See you in 2017, God willing.